My Soul

There are so many analogies. . I can't even begin. I was going to pull some apart, but well. . I'll let it do it's own talking. It just. . doesn't even being to make sense.


oh, and if you like your men to sparkle? . . . this is for you

[Unknown LJ tag]



and if you can make it though that . . .





and for fun someone who put it together for us ^.^



*picture found from a google search while I was trying to find the title of the book*
http://open.salon.com/blog/verbal_remedy/2009/03/12/purple_prose_the_spikenard-bronwyn_challenge
Which by the way is SILK AND STEEL, by RON MILLER

I need somewhere to throw all my links for my project. ^.^

So here it is, after I'm done-ish, and a litte more edited I'm going to throw my novel here a chapter at a time too.

>.< BTW. . . Historical fiction about Bathory. . I know I know. . .

General Links
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_B%C3%A1thory
http://bathory.org/shyla.html
http://www.abacom.com/~jkrause/bathory.html
http://www.weird-encyclopedia.com/Bathory-Elizabeth.php
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A593084
http://www.whataslacker.com/backdoor/elizabeth_bathory/
http://www.nndb.com/people/263/000112924/
http://vampires.monstrous.com/erzsebet_bathory.htm
http://www.istrianet.org/istria/legends/vampires/bathory.htm
http://www.scribd.com/doc/2579356/Elizabeth-Bathory
http://royalwomen.tripod.com/id40.html

Places
http://www.sarvar.hu/index.php?base=sights&type=item&id=29
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byt%C4%8Da
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C4%8Cachtice_Castle
http://www.slovakheritage.org/Castles/cachtice.htm

Clothing
http://joechip.net/liana/archives/cat_paperdolls.html
http://joechip.net/liana/
http://images.google.com/images?q=16th+century+clothing&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=FYD_SqzKHIv8nAeI3fUQ&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CBcQsAQwAA
http://www.lepg.org/women.htm
http://www.costumes.org/classes/fashiondress/16thCent.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1550%E2%80%931600_in_fashion

Other
http://www.brown.edu/Departments/Italian_Studies/dweb/society/sex/heat-coldness.shtml
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:RWS_Tarot_02_High_Priestess.jpg

1) That I intensely miss writing, and this whole journal! ::SMACK:: What has happened to my poor, dear, poetic soul?

which brings me in turn to point

2) No update in 7 months??? I thought to myself. . "what have I been doing for the past 7 months??" LMAO >.< Of course. I have been with RJ,(for exactly 7 months) Not a bad thing, but there has been alot going on at the same time.

3) I feel ready to fuel myself on all that has been going on, and get back to business.

4) There is no way (in hell) that I have posted everything I have written. SO I'm off to find more notebooks and post some more of my past

(sometimes) From time to time
it takes a sheet of paper,
for anyone to know what's on my mind
in any form besides a whisper.

I've never been very good with words,
and I feel so vulnerable when I cry. . .
But when everything is spiraling downwards,
I'd do anything not to say goodbye.

I've found myself more in love
with you than I care to admit.
Making myself miserable is something I'm not above,
but being with you has made me want to quit.

When I think about me and you,
it's like it's meant to be.
But it seems to me that you don't have a clue,
and I'm not sure how to make you see clearly.

There is no place that could be better.
There is no-one I want more.
I smile while while thinking, and writing every letter,
your something I can't ignore.

I know you've been hurt before,
everyone has their own story.
I'm sorry if I've made you a bit unsure,
but please stop judging me so brashly.


~And the note. . . because you know there always is one. . .~
(I've never done anything to hurt you - I can't promise I won't in the future, but I can promise that I won't lie to you about it)

This thing I've always wanted,
this thing I've always had,
this thing I've always hidden -
because they considered it bad.

Laid perfectly between us,
I put this thing to rest,
until one day you found it,
and put me to the test.

How could I deny it
when I'd held on for so long?
How could I deny it
when I wanted it all along?

This thing I've always wanted,
this thing I've always had,
this thing I've always hidden -
because they considered it bad.

As time continued on
I learned some truth.
This thing is a part of me,
not just a 'phase' of youth.

And still I held onto this thing
too afraid to let you in.
Too afraid of what they'd say,
but in the end I let it win.

This thing I've always wanted,
this thing I've always had,
this thing I've always hidden -
because they considered it bad.

This thing I've held,
it's made for two.
This thing, I found -
it's my love for you.

So hold my hand
and we'll face it all.
We'll fight every obstacle,
and we'll never fall.

Your this thing I've always wanted,
this attraction I've always had,
this love no longer hidden -
is anything but bad.

I’m your Opheliac
I’ve been so disillusioned
I know you’d take me back
But still I feign confusion
I couldn’t be your friend
My world was to unstable
You might have seen the end
But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gona blame it on you
It’s not the way I wana be
I only know that in the end you will see it’s the Opheliac in me…

It’s the Opheliac in me…

Im your Opheliac
My stalkings prove my virtue
I’m open to attack
But I don’t want to hurt you (hurt you)
Whether I swim or sink
That’s no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think
You had the power to know how to keep me breathing as the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gona blame it on you
It’s not the way I wana be
I only hope that in the end you will see it’s the Opheliac in me…
It’s the Opheliac in me

Studies show intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
That the world can lie
I don’t think for a bit they sit around and think every things gona be alright
They know who: sides, shadows; shapes, a devil, an angel; no in-between
She speaks in third person so that she can forget that she’s me
Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt

Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt

Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt
I love

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I cant stay

You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gona blame it on you
It’s not the way I wana be
I only hope that in the end you will see
But never doubt
You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you’ve gone through hell and I say I can’t stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there’s nothing more you can do I’m gona blame it on you
It’s not the way I wana be
I only hope that in the end you will see

You want someone to hurt like you
You want to share what you've been through



I can't seem to see your face anymore
I see different shadows
but it's not like it was before
somethings different
I'm not sure how it will affect us
I find myself running in circles
my goal is to protect us
but I'm not sure how I feel
not sure if it's still important
everything I know is gone
everything I felt I was - shattered
how am I supposed to be there for you
why is it on me? 
can't you hear my silent screams
can't you see my invisible scars
they are there right under the surface
waiting for you to notice, waiting for the mental click

time won't heal this
time makes things worse
drags things out
makes things stale

I love his smell, his arms around me
I love his kisses
I love his hands on my hips, edging me closer every second.

I love his way of talking, and getting lost inside his eyes

But I seem to know every second seems more and more a lie

I hate how this will never work
I hate how I will cry
I hate how I will think of it, lying awake at night

update to all my journals!!

I just wanted to hold her and cry-
just wanted to hold her and cry until it didn't hurt anymore

But I knew it didn't matter-
didn't matter how long I held her
didn't matter how long I cried

It would always hurt
It will always hurt
It has always hurt

I just wanted to hold her and cry-
hold her and cry until it didn't hurt anymore

"Kiss A Girl"

(Come on, a-ha, a-ha)

I talk, you say I'm talking back
It escalades to full attack
I'm going, you're coming
Your brain's on pause
But your mouth keeps running

Don't know what planet you are from
What macho ego trip you on
I'm giving, you're taking
You think I'm there, but I'm really just faking

Oh, you're so the same cliche
And it makes me wanna run the other way

Maybe I should kiss a girl
Maybe I should change my world
You already know you make me sick
And this could be the cure
Girls know how to make it fun
And you know how to mess it up
Maybe you should learn to watch your tongue
'Cause boy I've had enough
Maybe I should kiss a girl

I'm trading your old dirty shirt
For high heels and a mini skirt
You're over, I'm under
I'll spell it out it's making me wonder

Why am I still with you
When I know that it'll never work
Why don't I just hit you
When you act like just some stupid jerk
You know that I love you
But you get on my last every nerve
Oh man I guess you'll never understand

Oh, you're so the same cliche
And it makes me wanna run the other way

Maybe I should kiss a girl
Maybe I should change my world
You already know you make me sick
And this could be the cure
Girls know how to make it fun
And you know how to mess it up
Maybe you should learn to watch your tongue
'Cause boy I've had enough
Maybe I should kiss a girl

I tried to tune you in and not to turn you on
If you don't try to make a change, I'll be good as gone
(Maybe I should kiss a girl, whoah, whoah)

Maybe I should kiss a girl
Maybe I should change my world
You already know you make me sick
And this could be the cure
Girls know how to make it fun
And you know how to mess it up
Maybe you should learn to watch your tongue
'Cause boy I've had enough
Maybe I should kiss a girl


I think this is to the tune of Little Mermaid's Kiss the Girl. . .lmao

yes, and as wierd as it is. . . usually with Mark and Vinnie, I don't think Mark ever really joined us, but he was there. Once I came overly prepared, but then gave my swimsuit up for kayla. LOL. I don't care, not that I hadn't been naked there before. I figured I would try to save Kayla the horror of getting police questioned with no clothes on.

OMG!!! and then that crazy guy was on the beach, and I was like MArk, (GET RID OF HIM) Do you realize I'm naked?!?! It was all good though

I love that it is just about the ONLY place that I've been able to call home. Everything got out of it's boxes. And I loved there for more than 3 months. It was a realyl nice change. It was nice to have something even a little stable in the crazy thing I call my life.

My mom feels that I overexaggerate, but the truth really is that I lived at like 7 addresses within 2 years. Broad St has been the only stabilty that I've had since the village. And it seems liek that is over too. We are supposed to be moving very soon. It really saddens me. I think I get even more sad about it because I just realized why I loved it so much recently. When Dennis and I broke up I had the hardest time leavign the house, and it wan't him. It was just the house. When I was upset I wanted to be wrapped in those bedroom walls, and when I cooked I wanted the crazy stove. Just everything. It was so hard to move away, and I think it has alot to do with why I came back. When it came down to Dennis losing the apartment, or my mom. . . I couldn't deal with never being able to be in there again, after leaving so suddenly. I've had so many memories there. I had alot of plans for the house, and many never went anywhere, but I love it anyway.

This is going to be an ongoing thing, so let me start now.

1. My child . loves to be taken care of, babied, running around. Jumping. Loves the woods, and tents, adventurous.
2 My Mom . This is simple. I had a kid. There is a WHOLE different personality with him.

As sad as it is, mostly people.

Either that or I wish I had lost more. Like the whole innocence, all the childlike qualities that I still have, that other people seem to lose. It makes me really sad sometimes. I know I am never going to fit in. I can't just sleep around, get drunk, and not care. And as stupid as it sounds, I hate it sometimes.

Are you kidding? I have really great epiphanies ALL the time. Problem? I never write them down!! They are usually while I'm driving, or before i go to bed at night, so I'm always too lazy to write them down... I just fall asleep, and when I wake up they are gone. Same thing with poetry. I think of crazy awesome things before bed. I keep a digital recorder now, so I get some of it, but it sucks. straight up. I hate being lazy sometimes. lol

The pain was unbearable. The smell of cleaning agents, and stale air. That smell that is the same no matter what hospital you visit. I had more wires hooked up to me than a computer has hooked up to it. When I asked for food after not eating for two days I was rewarded with ice. When I asked why I couldn't eat something solid, I was rewarded with a puke bowl, at which point everything inside of me seemed to pour out into the bowl. Over and over again. It wasn't enough that I was surround by huge shock pads, placed around me in case I went into seizures, it wasn't enough that I had an arm cuff taking my blood pressure every 15 minutes. It wasn't enough that I had a catheter, a monitor for my contractions, a monitor for the baby, and two IVs in each hand. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I thought I was dying. I thought I was done for. I thought to myself, if I do make it through this, nothing will ever compare, for I will have already seen the worst in life.

Through all the pain and devices I remember the time 7 months ago when I had a doctors appointment. the appointment was set up a new kind of birth control, because I had been discontent with my current prescription. 2 days later I was called in and told the new birth control could not be administered to me because I was pregnant. And according to their calculations, about 3 months in. I was dumbfounded. I remember the nurse. Tall, wearing heels that clacked down the hall way, blue eyes that were kind as she gave me hug, and tried to console me. I remember my mother waiting for me in the waiting room, knowing as soon as I walked out that something wasn't right. I explained it to her on the way out, in the parking lot. Her hands shook, and her body turned hard. I though for a moment she was going to hit me, and I braced myself. Instead she hugged me, and said in the most calm voice she could muster "Do you want a frosty?". I burst into tears and nodded my head. And to Wendy's we went, to talk about becoming a mom.

7 months later I'm in the delivery room, and there isn't much I can focus on. I think I've had about every medication they offer, and I can still feel the intense pain. I was diagnosed with border-line pre-eclamsia, a condition which can be fatal to both mom and baby. When the doctors felt the border-line became too much, I was induced. I went at 5pm November 21st, 2007. I was fed petocin for about 24 hours through an IV making me have contractions. A couple hours in the fed me a medication that enabled me to get a little bit of sleep. After a while they also fed me magnesium sulfate, saying that it would lessen my chance to have a seizure. At about the 24 hour mark it was decided that my blood pressure was too high, and I was forbidden to be on may back, but I also had been forbidden from moment 1 to get off the bed. It was about 9pm on the 22nd that I was finally allowed to get the epidural. I went into a blissful rant about how much I loved I loved the anesthesiologist, and that I would send him a card. Unfortunately for me the pain outweighed the drug, and I was still in alot of pain, but not able to start the whole birthing process. At 11pm my doctor came in and checked me. She said I still had a cm to go. I was really upset, I asked her how long it would take, and she told me that it might take all night, but to let her know when I got the urge to push. I eagerly replied that I did have the urge to push, and she re-checked me. To everyone's, including my own, surprise I was fully dilated and I was ready to start birthing. Once the ok was given to push, I had my baby within 30 minutes, even with being on my side, having 2 IVs in each hand, having a blood pressure cuff, and a catheter. Afterwards, the adrenaline rush of the pain went away, and the magnesium sulfate kicked in, making me groggy, and coupled with lack of sleep I don't remember much after that. They kept me in the hospital for a couple days longer to monitor my health. And on November 25th I left for home.

My Nikolous Cullen Poulin is now 2 years 6 months, and my crowning achievement. I remember thinking that there was no way I was making it through. But I did, and I also kept my promise to myself. Now that I made it through I know I have the strength to do things that I don't always think I can do. When things get rough I remind myself that I have already seen the worst, and I'm still here. I have a beautiful son that I wouldn't trade for anything, and I'm a stronger person for the whole ordeal. Sometimes I get a little jealous of people that have picture perfect births, gain nothing but 5 pounds, and are in and out of the hospital within 2 days, but then I think of how much the experience changed me as a person. I am so much stronger today than I was then, and really I have my son to thank for it all.

My 'role' is pretty much that of the child. Whether at home, or with friends, I find myself considered the 'youngest' even when I'm not. I get babied and taken care of, and I really. . . it bothers me. I mean sometimes it's great. Like now. I get to go to school, everyone is kinda taking care of me. But sometimes, I feel like I just want to be just me, just supporting myself, and flying. It also stresses me, because part of the 'babying' occurs when people think I can't handle things. So they either just won't tell me, or lie to me abotu it. And THAT is a HUGE pet peeve. I will cry, I will get upset, but I can't help it. I promise I will get over it. You lie and keept it from me, and I end up findign out anyway. Then I get upset over it, you keeping it form me, and everything in between. It just gets blown out of proportion, and it stresses me. I can handle it. I'm an adult. If you really don't want to make me cry, don't do anything that you will have to tell me about.

Well, as sad as it is, about 5 years ago I used to go out EVERY saturday, either clubbing or just hanging out. Nowadays, I do NOTHING. I wish. It's all changing though. Don't even worry about it. Dennis is out, and officially leaving in August, so by the time he comes back, whatever. Don't even wanna think about it. W00t w00t. ::does a happy dance::

I 'get away' with everything. LOL. I'm AMAZING